Hello again. It’s been a few months since my last entry (three to be exact) and I must apologise for the little pause I’ve taken. It oozes of lackadaisicalness, but hopefully you won’t judge me too harshly. There have been many reasons for the absent musings. The main one, however, is that following the completion of my book I felt bloody exhausted. As such, I fancied doing a few other things with my free time before picking up the pen once again. Now sufficiently refreshed and brimming with ideas, I’m back to (hopefully), fill a few of those dull moments when you feel compelled or indeed obliged to stray to this blog.
It’s been an interesting month or so for me; there’s been the distinct smell of change in the air. It’s been coming for a while, and it’s been terrifying me. I’m not sure why, but presumably it’s been because I haven’t really known how that change will come nor what it will bring. It is this unknown that has been bothering me and it is this unknown that has stymied me from really moving forward. Bob Dylan once sang, “You’d better start swimming or you’ll sink like a stone, for the times they are a-changing”. Well honestly, in the last few months I haven’t been swimming and, although I think it would be unfair to say I’ve been sinking, I have at best been treading water.
Until, that is, the last few weeks. Those of you who read this blog regularly will probably know I broke up with someone at the turn of the year, someone who I cared about immensely. It wasn’t a horrible, bitter break up (and I’m friends with said person now) but it became a catalyst for a lot of soul-searching, and a well overdue re-evaluation of my priorities in life.
This particular article is not about women or indeed a specific woman. I hear you breathe a collective sigh of relief. Nevertheless I felt it appropriate to mention the trigger for my reflection. Of course I’ve had break ups before and they have not caused reflective periods of this nature. So, what made this different?
To begin with there were a number of other events that have rattled my currently bumbling existence. Singularly, these have not been too dramatic. Collectively, they have been more noticeable. In the same way that planets sometimes align themselves in such a way so as to affect gravitational cycles here on earth, causing things to go a little ‘wonky’, I’ve been subjected to an equally 'wonky' period because of a collection of small (not that planets are small) things coming together.
Firstly, over the past twelve months I’ve been lucky enough to attend six weddings, which without exception have been incredibly enjoyable occasions. However, they have bought into focus just how many of my peers have moved beyond any commitment issues experienced during their early twenties. To date, my own bag of 'commitmentphobe' issues have hindered most of my fledgling relationships.
Secondly, many of my friends are now leaving London for quieter English plains, or are choosing to the leave the UK altogether. Now, London is my home and let me say unreservedly that I love it here. But when close friends start to move away for a more ‘comfortable’ quality of life, it prompts you (or more precisely, me) to examine their motivations.
Finally, there’s the completion of my book, the writing of which has been a painstaking evacuation of feeling and thought that has left me feeling somewhat hollow. It’s still only in draft form and will need some serious revision before its ready for a wider audience. But, the bulk is complete. This is something I’ve been working towards in one manner or another for around five years. I still have other writing-based projects on the go, but this has been my Everest. Or, it at least felt that way between its inception right up until its final full stop. This book has been my nucleus, my centre for so long that upon its competition I have to admit to being a little on the lost side. This, together with the mass-coupling and exodus of close friends, has left me without focus and without direction.
It’s probably at this point you’re beginning to wonder where I am going with this article. There may even be an expectation that I’ll impart some ‘world life’ lesson I’ve learnt, some guidance for those who may be struggling with a similar crisis of being. If that is the case, then I’m going to disappoint you I’m afraid; I have very little to offer you. I have a few things figured out after much inward contemplation, but not everything.
I’ve learnt that, even after the horrid and frankly draining process of producing a very, very short book, I still want to write, probably more than I’ve wanted to do anything else as a vocation. I’ve learnt that friends and family are more important than anything else, even (sorry London) geography. And I’ve learnt that I’ll probably never have everything figured out.
The nicest part of this period, however, has been quite surprising. The beauty of having no direction, of not having any immediate goals, is that you get to make new ones. Most of the things I have been tidying up and finishing off over the last twelve months - in the context of both my personal and work life- have been things that have a far longer history. They have been the result of ideas formulated almost half a decade ago, and I’ve changed a lot since then. I now have a clean slate, a fresh start.
When I started this period of self-reflection, I thought that being by myself was a bad thing. I now know that if singledom becomes a perpetual state, then I am perhaps correct about this. However, one of the nicer parts of being a singleton is that you don’t have to compromise.
I have also been guilty in previous relationships of bending my ambitions and talents to impress my partner. At this point in my life, I don’t have this problem anymore; any new direction I take will be my own, and only my own. Okay, so I don’t actually have much of a new direction yet, but I know myself better than I did last year and much better than I did five years ago, and that’s a start surely? I know what I love, what I hate, and I know that I don’t have to walk the route that other people tell me I should.
Even as I write this I’m aware of how cringe worthy this article is; it almost sounds like the preface of a self-help book. I’d like to think most of my articles are here for your entertainment (whoever you may be), but this one’s for me. I just need to write and this just happens to be what’s on my mind.
So, where now? The simple answer is, just like a few months ago, I still don’t know. The main difference is that I am no longer terrified, but excited by that. One thing’s for certain, I’m going to have fun working out exactly where to go from here.
