Corporate Training

Over the last few weeks, at work, I’ve been nefariously observed by a “Be here now” plaque which has somehow managed to infiltrate my desk space. The small sign was part of the handout material given to me at the end of a corporate two day course. It called itself a Cultural Workshop course but really this was just a veil for its corporate cult-like ideology.  At one stage I found myself sat in a circle, with other newly indoctrinated employees, counting backwards from ten with my eyes closed trying to inhale and then exhale on cue. This was all done to the sound of piano music and a voice over from one of the instructors, who, well, instructed us.  When the music stopped and we were told to open our eyes, the instructor looked round the room, and with a smugness I’ve never witnessed in an actual human being before said “Yes, I know. Some people find that experience very powerful.” Maybe they do, maybe they do. I found it quite comical, if not just a little bit creepy. It was like a fledgling sexual partner who comes on too strong by telling you they love you after three weeks. In this case, one minute we were eating croissants, drinking coffee and talking about the state of the EU, the next we’re closing our eyes and sharing the inner workings of our soul - Too much, too soon.

Alongside the group mediation there was also a thing I liked to call “The Ball of Destiny”. The instructors didn’t give it this name, but I think I may put it in the course suggestion box as it seemed to fit the general dynamic pretty well. The course had us, the attendees and instructors, sit in a fully formed circle all looking inwards at one another. One person would hold a bouncy red ball and tell the rest of the group about themselves. When they were done they’d throw it at the next victim who had to do likewise. A cringy take on the “Introduce and say something interesting about yourself”  intros which most course have you do. However, It gets worse. Not content with throwing a ball at the other members of the group and introducing ourselves, we were also made to tell the group a personality trait we felt we had and how it was developed or obtained. This saw the analysts in the circle say things like “Hi I’m Joe and I’m an Analyst. I’m analytical and I developed this trait from my Dad as he’s an Analyst as well” . Thanks Joe, that was insightful and pretty kiss assy. Next up Sandra.  “Hi I’m Sandra and I’m a project manager. A character trait of mine is that I’m organized and I get this from my Mother who loves to host parties”. Really Sandra? That’s amazing. And so it went on. Everyone’s characteristics seemed to magically align to his or her job. It was almost like everyone in the room had somehow managed to find their ideal job, doing something which stunningly fit their own personality traits. Either that or they were bullshitting, which frankly I find more likely. When it came to me, I lied, although you’ll be pleased to know I didn’t say I was analytical or organized, but instead that I liked to learn. Still sickeningly corporate I know, but when “The Ball of Destiny” found its way into my hands I panicked! I think next time I want to share with a group of strangers I’ll attend an AA meeting. It may be tragic, heartbreaking and full of pain and struggle, but at least there’s a chance people will be genuine.

We were also given a ‘commitment book’. In it we were told to note down pledges which centred around promises about how we were going to go on to become better employees, and people. These promises were formulated from the concepts we’d learnt over the two days. The instructors would ask us to sit in silence and reflect on what we’d soaked up and write it down. This would happen at various intervals. As a general rule, I have no objection to writing notes down. In fact with my failing memory, it’s an imperative. I’ve always recorded things on paper and this has helped me to reinforce ideas I’ve heard, or read. I know I’m not alone in feeling like this. Take a look around a University lecture theatre, and you’ll see many scribblers. I’m willing to guess that half of them will never read a word they’ve written again. But I don’t think that’s the point. After we’d made our pledges, the instructors asked people to read them out to the rest of the group. This is where I took issue again. Why do we need to share? After all, each pledge or commitment was meant to be personal, so other than mutual back slapping, what purpose could there possibly be in reading them out? It really irked. There also seemed to be a slightly obsessive drive towards phrasing things the way the instructors told us to phrase things. For example we were told to put the words “ I promise that I will” at the beginning of each commitment, and this prefix was sternly enforced. At one point,  it became my turn to share the pledges i had written down and as such I grudgingly obliged. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of starting the sentence “ I will...” instead of “I promise that I will” and was interrupted mid flow by the instructor, who said, “If you could please start each commitment with the statement “I promise I will” next time please. All very finicky if you ask me, after all isn’t it the promise that’s important rather than the two words which precede it? Apparently not, without the “I promise I will” at the beginning of each pledge, the exercise clearly just isn’t worthwhile.     

Other than overly sharey exercises, the course was also was packed to the brim with creatively patronising phrases like “unfreeze yourself” and “Be here now”. In reality what they meant was “Change yourself into what we want you to be, without questioning us” and “focus on work you damn slacker”. The later one was such a focal point that the course organiser got it printed on pieces of plastic. The fruits of their labour that now surveys me like a CCTV camera from 1984 whilst I beaver away creating spreadsheets. So ominous is its presence that I swear that I can hear it radio transmitting information to the “Thought Police” whenever I have an independent idea that contradicts the corporate line or, less dramatically, take a cheeky peek at Facebook.  

When the course finally finished I must confess to being somewhat confused. After all it’s hard to listen to a message for two days straight without considering it. Following the final session other people seemed upbeat and happy in general. Whether this was because the course was over, or because they’d simply enjoyed it, I’m not sure. Generally I found the aftermath, odd. In terms of work practices, I haven’t seen much change. People are still late for meetings, they’re not really “Here Now”, and thankfully no one is massively keen on sharing their personal feelings. However, whenever anyone mentions the course in front of management, the vibe is gushing. This really pisses me off, and that’s probably why I’m writing this article.  I sat in one meeting, where we were asked to provide honest feedback on the course. The meeting had around twenty people in it and not one person said a single negative thing. I’m also sad and disappointed to include myself in that number. Now I know there were others in that room who thought it was crap, so why did no one speak up? I can only speculate as to the others silence but for me it was simple, I’ve done it before, with other similar courses, and i’ve been burned for being honest. You see, the courses build in anti-criticism messages into their own material, as self defense mechanism, protecting against negativity. Clever you say, damn right.  Previously, when I’ve expressed my actual views I’ve been challenged with a very pro-course rhetoric thrown back at me by other attendees, some of whom I know didn’t like the course either! Bastards. I get retorts like” you clearly missed the point”, or “Stop with your inertia to change”. In terms of the latest course the tag line “unfreeze yourself” seemed to lend itself to course defending comments. Therefore, on this latest of ‘honest feedback sessions’ I did what anyone in my situation would do and bit my tongue. 

Now that the dust has settled and I’ve caught up on the two days work I missed in the office, I’ve had time to reflect a little. After all’s said and done my overarching feeling at the towards this type of course is annoyance. I’m not annoyed that the corporation I work for has tried to make me better at my job. In fact I encourage it, I want to be! I’m not even that annoyed at the fact I spent two days analysing the deepest darkest corners of myself with a group of colleagues, some of whom I barely know. Although I don’t like the sharing part I think self analysis is something we all need to do and not just for work, but to be functional members of society. What does however annoy me immensely is that the corporation doesn’t feel me capable of doing either of these things without the aid of dodgy piano music and effectively a cult-like leader telling me how to breathe, think and feel. I know that one size doesn’t fit all, and some people I’m sure will have enjoyed our two day foray into spiritual enrichment, but for me, if enlightenment does come it won’t happen during corporate training.