Say Hello, Wave Sayonara

I was in a pub the other day, watching the world go by, having a pint but more importantly I was alone (I want to point out I was waiting for a friend). Why was being alone important? Well it afforded me the opportunity to observe the after-work drinking rush. Seeing the steady stream of boozers heading from the City, leaving and meeting their companions is truly a spectacle. The most noticeable thing I observed was the contrast of non-verbal greetings on show.

To start with there’s ‘The firm handshake’. It’s classic, simple and, speaking as a Brit, comfortably distant.

Second up we have the traditional handshake, but with a twist. For example a handshake with an addition, like a thumb twiddle or a change in movement midway through. I first learnt of this greeting through episodes of ‘The Fresh prince of Bel Air’, and was exposed to it in earnest at University, all be it to a less extreme extent than the outlandish handshakes concocted by Will Smith. Whilst I am a firm believer in the traditional handshake as an ‘adult’, many friends never moved on from the twist and still, when meeting up, insist on using it. This has the propensity to turn a greeting into something of a dance, where I normally end up feeling un-cool or old and leaves the initiator looking superior. Perhaps that’s the point.

Then there’s the kiss. My female Brit friends tend to meet with a peck on the cheek, and this seemed to be the most common method of greeting within the pub I was in. We all know that the French say hello with a kiss on both cheeks and some of my Spanish friends kiss both cheeks twice. The latter has always struck me as excessive; that’s four kisses per person, which makes large group meetings lengthy and wet. But who am I to pass judgment?

Finally, we have the hug. This is reserved for close friends, family and on the odd occasion ex-girlfriends.  Just be careful you don’t hold on too long. No one likes a clinger, and avoid (as a friend of mine used to do) smelling hair, it’s weird.

My point being? Know the rules and know the variations of greetings. I saw a couple looking generally perplexed by a simple handshake and kiss; the two were clearly on different pages of the greeting book. However, if you know the rules you’ll be fine, right? Wrong! I have a friend from London, who kisses three times (probably just to confuse me), a French mate who shakes my hand, never kisses and hates physical contact and a couple of twins that insist on kissing each other on the lips.  That, coupled with the fact I shake my brother’s hand and never hug him, and that my university mates still pull out the traditional handshake with a twist followed through with a hug routine every now and again makes for utter greeting chaos. So in the absence of any useful advice on how to elevate or solve the greeting conundrum, instead let me just say be wary and goodbye. I mean Sayonara.