The Dating Game

This month I have donated a considerable amount of mental energy towards thinking about love, life, the universe and everything. Yes, that is a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Sadly, my cognitive capacity has been somewhat blocked up over the past six weeks and as such I have not really achieved much. Scrap that, anything. Instead of being productive I have been introverted, introspective and frankly a little bit mopey. Why, you ask? The same reason any man is a bit mopey: because of a woman. What, you need more? Okay fine, I’ve been a tad bit heartbroken. Please note the inclusion of the word "tad". This is a deliberate insertion, and is an attempt to keep some dignity whilst baring a little bit of myself (perverts among you please discard mental images of me flashing a nipple). At this point I feel I need to make clear that if you are looking for graphic details about this situation, you’re going to be disappointed. That type of intimacy has never nor ever will be part of this blog, and more than that I have too much respect for said person to discuss any details in such a tacky and revealing way. After all I don’t work for Nut magazine. Yet. However, luckily I have no such constraints about revealing my own flaws, weaknesses and failings so let me continue.

Now, I’ve spent most of the last six or so weeks in a pretty dark place, primarily at the business end of an alcoholic beverage. When I finally came to about a week ago, three things initially became apparent; I made three discoveries if you will. Firstly, three-day-long hangovers do exist. Secondly, three-day-long drinking binges are expensive. And finally, a discovery that only really came when I was too skint to continue with the drinking, ‘Drinking doesn’t actually help’!

Now, as mentioned I don’t want to get into specifics but I have talked to a lot of friends over the past few weeks. They have been understanding, considerate and even, when required, stern, but all in the interests of digging me out of my current slump. Thank you friends, I am pleased to announce that I am now at least on the right track once more.

Conversing with my peers helped me to appreciate more fully the commonness of heartbreak. At the time that didn’t help. In fact it felt as though it trivialised my own emotions. In retrospect it’s been useful.

Remember the first time you ever, ever got dumped? Sure you do. It may be buried somewhere deep down but you remember. At the time you thought you’d never like anyone as much ever again, right? How could you, after all, that first person was special. Well yes they were, but only until the next, more special person came along to replace them. Now depending on how young you were, and are, you probably realise that last statement was a cosmic simplification of emotion but there is an element of truth in it. I remember my first love, my real first love, I’ll never forget them, but I don’t pine after them any longer. After all, life goes on, and whether or not you really like it you’ll get dragged along with it. Well hopefully you will anyway. Anyway I digress. What I want to do with the remainder of this month is impart some useful tips, tip-bits if you like, in case you find yourself in a similar situation.

First up let’s address standard breakup practice. At least one big weekend is a necessity. However, constant drinking is not healthy or useful. I know I’m right, you know I’m right, I know I’ll still do it, you’ll probably still do it but needs to said. Enough said.

One night stands are not a good idea if you are feeling vulnerable. They tend to go hand -in-hand with the heavy drinking, however if you are upset, really upset, they will not make you feel better. Momentary gratification is exactly that, short lived. On a more practical note, so I’m told, this is a sure fire way to lose accessories, and disposable items of clothing, such as scarves, hats, gloves and jewellery (sometimes even underwear). Many such item has been left behind in the act of the rapid morning ‘escape’, or so I’m led to believe.

Do not listen to acoustic guitar music or love songs. I have no idea why people do this, and when I say people I am of course referring to everyone because at some stage we have all stuck on the most depressing music imaginable after a breakup. How stupid is that. Seriously, it’s ridiculous and to what possible end? It’s never going to make you feel good, is it? No it’s not, It has the same logical merit as giving a gun to someone on suicide watch.
Don’t read or watch romantic comedies, they are the equivalent to lifestyle and fashion magazines for timid, ugly, poorly dressed people (I am aware I have slightly manipulated and plagiarised Baz Luhrmann). Some stimulus, at distinct points in your life, can be rather detrimental. This is one of them. They pamper to people in love, not the depressed or upset. Let’s be clear: Hugh Grant is not real. Okay, he’s real but he’s not Hugh Grant, not really. Fiction is exactly that and I personally, when I’m upset, cannot always distinguish the difference.

Do not imagine your ex with someone else. If you do, you will go mad. They will (as will you) at some point see someone else. Just don’t think about it, it doesn’t help. This is one of those rare moments where sweeping something under the metaphorical carpet really does the job.

Do not check Facebook for a while. If you insist on doing so make sure you unsubscribe from your ex’s updates otherwise you’ll probably see pictures, status updates and chat you don’t want to. Remember this though: anyone can make themselves look happy and amazing in a picture. I’m sat at my laptop now, but if I took a picture, smiled and maybe brushed my hair it could make a vaguely presentable image, one that doesn’t exist. Facebook is evil for the newly single. Best not to check it.

Accept it‘s over. This is the most important thing in any breakup. Thinking there is a chance of getting back together does not work. It hardly ever happens and thinking it makes it impossible to move on. One day it might do, but you wishing it to do so will not increase the odds of that occurring. Space helps.

Now there are a lot of don’ts above, so I thought I’d end on some positives, some things to do, no more do-nots. Get out of the house. Explore your city. Do the things that make you happy. Go to a theatre, go to a cinema, go to a museum, a gallery, a restaurant, a sports game. Spend time with old friends, make new friends. Read books, watch films, paint, write, run, walk, cycle and, if you can, travel.

As always this has been a self serving, demi-rant which I’m very grateful you have taken time out to read. Thank you and feel free to share anything you have to add.